The History of Golf:
The modern game of golf or gouf in the Scottish Language is indeed considered to be a Scottish invention.
A spokesman for the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, one of the oldest Scottish organizations, said:
"Stick and ball games have been around for many centuries, but golf as we know it today, played over 18 holes, clearly originated in Scotland.
The very first documented mention of golf in Scotland appears in 1457 on a hillside link near Fife on the East Coast of Scotland. A place that later would known as St.Andrews.The word "links" also comes from the Scots language and means the area links the land with the sea.
It is here we find the Braid Scotsman Dickie Longboner and his distinguished guest from England Seymore Privates, who was experiencing a linguistic adventure.They were sharing their 2ND possibly even the 3RD bottle of 30 year old single malt MACALLAN Scotch Whiskey.
Finding a small rounded stone, a very pissed Dickie Jumped to his feet and shouted:
Hauld yer horses!... hauld yer feck'n' horses! 'ere is th' feck'n' stoatin pairt,...richt at th' end ah wull pat a feck'n' flat piece a' grass wi' a wee flag, sae it gives ye some feck'n' hawp......Then ah wull pat it behind the Swilcan burn ower thare, 'n' pat feck'n' sand 'n' more heich grass a' aroond it juist tae feck wi' yer baw again.You wull be whackin aroond,an jerking yer feck'n'back oot
Brilliant! and we do this one time?
Nae!.... ye stupid basterd we dae it eighteen feck'n' times!
And so the game of Golf was invented.
THE SCOTTISH REFERENDUM VOTE:
During Scotland's vote for independence the remainder of The United Kingdom would have been known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).
In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, the Liberal Democrats began a campaign with the slogan:
"Please Vote No For FUK's Sake!"
They felt the Scottish people could relate to this, It seemed it worked!
(Courtesy of Peter Nolan February 2013)
"A huv git a feck'n stoatin idea fur a gaam'e Ah chap this stane intae a feck'n' gopher nook"
"Brilliant! like snooker then" mumbled his also very pissed mate.
Nae wi' a feck'n' straecht stick!... A'll mak' it a ben't stick wi' a wee fecked up flat pairt oan th' end..... Ah kelp th' feck'n' baw it goes in th' gopher nook.....
"Brilliant! like croquette then?" Said his mate.
Nae croquette!! A'll mak' it hundreds 'n' hundreds o' feck'n' yards awaaa'....
Not bad mate! like cricket, we could play in the summer when it's warm and sunny!
Feck cricket! Ah wull pat it ower thare whaur it's feck'n' baltic 'n' th' feck'n' wind blows a' th' time..... an'ah wull pat Shite in th' weyyy...., lik' feck'n trees 'n' bushes 'n' rocks 'n' feck'n' heich grass, sae ye kin loose yer feck'n' baw!.... Ye wull huv tae keep oan feck'n' whacking 'n' whacking awa', an' eve'r time ye feck'n' miss it feels lik' yer gaun tae huv a feck'n' stroke.
Stroke! that's whit ah wull ca' it! fur eve'r time ye feck'n' miss ye wull fell lik' yer gaun tae feck'n' daie.......